Or trying really hard to:/
Nvm just one more paper to go….
Recently life has been all about projects and mugging….
And I hate the feeling that I’m procrastinating cause when I tell myself I need to study some part of me comes up with a hundred different excuses to do other stuff. Sigh.
But I know I can do it.I can!
I’ll be the head and not the tail above and not beneath.
I just need to hold down those other thoughts and get mugging.
Life is full of unexplainable things.
I don’t know why I love Taiwan so much.
Each time I go there and cone back it feels like I’ve left part of myself there.
Even when I don’t think about Taiwan,
I dream about it.
It’s driving me mad.
My heart hurts when I see natural disasters befalling Taiwan.
I guess I’m not entirely sane anymore.
I’m just gonna ace this week
and finish up all those projects.
I can.I will.
I like watching people pass me by…
I look at them and wonder how God is so amazing to be able to make each of us different.
I look and wonder how they’re feeling.
I look and wonder what they are going through.
Are they happy?sad?excited?in love?angry?
These are things I wonder abt when I sit and watch people.
Then I look at myself and I think.reflect if you will abt whether I’ve been a good friend,daughter, child of God or sister.
I wonder if it’s wrong when I start scolding myself for all the things that ive done wrong.
After htht and yep chalet plus quintfac,
I came to the realisation that until now I havent had a super duper best friend or group of friends anyway.
(church is still alright I guess)
I sometimes get envious( I know envy isn’t good) that other people can find a bunch of friends who are so tight with them, who will stay with them through thick and thin, go out with them regularly, talk crap abt everything and not judge one another.
I used to have those kind f friendships…
I’m not saying that I don’t have friends or good friends.
People also tell me that they think I’m a pretty sociable person who has quite a lot of friends but honestly, knowing the people and actually being very close to them is another matter.
I miss the days where I could call Sarah or sherilyn and talk crap till super late.
I’ve grown up and they’ve grown up and we’ve all gone our separate ways.
I dunno whether these are just emotional thoughts rising up from some abyss somewhere but I guess it’s true that when friends have boyfriends, you’ve relegated to a place of little importance when they start hanging out more with the common friends between them and their boyfriends.
It’s not wrong.
It’s just natural
But it just hurts.
My only comforting point is that my best friend who I can talk to is Jesus.
He’s there for me no matter what.
No matter what wrong I do and no matter how much I do things that hurt Him,He is still there for me.
I’m not going to take that for granted.
Even in church sometimes i feel like I dont fit in.
My cell arena bunch of super lovely people whom I love loads but sometimes I feel like I don’t click with them on a deeper level.
I miss the times when I could tell Eddie everything.
When Sarah was still around
But I know I’ve got to get over it.
Being in a tertiary cell has made things worse.
I’m the youngest there and we don’t really go with the youth cellgroups which is where the people who understand me deeper are (eg bff)
Take TT’s birthday for eg,
I didnt get invited and I didn’t know abt it till bff told me.
I know it’s a small matter but it hurt.
It hurt to see people I grew up with leaving me out while they all gel closer.
Is there something wrong about me?
Something wrong abt the things I say or the things I do?
It’s one thing to have a hi-bye friendship but another to have a close friendship.
I really kinda regret not changing cell.
Not that I don’t like my cell it’s just that the people who can emphasize with me are not where I am now.
No amount of being there for one another on the cell can make up for the fact that ppl cannot emphatise with me because they dot understand even if I explained.
And I admit,
Im an emotionally needy person.
I dunno why this is all pouring out from me now.
I’m trying so hard to be positive and happy bout this but I suddenly just felt like a dam broke and all these thoughts and emotions just came out.
Maybe cause I saw how close some people were during yep chalet and became really envious of that.
I’m meeting linny for koi now.
Maybe I can tell her how I feel.
It really sucks that both her and Ning can’t always make it for cell and svc3.
I need a hug an probably a miracle.
Thank you for loving me though I’m so not worth it
A hug would suffice
A hug would suffice